This little light of mine…

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When we experience great loss its hard to feel anything but the loss.  Last saturday  I held my 8-year-old fur baby as he took his last breath.   I have never seen anything like it.  Time stopped , then it went really slow and then too fast.  That morning every second that lead to his passing was filled with anguish, tears and desperation.  Once he was gone I experienced some reprieve and then an unexplainable void.  I felt numb.

But how could that be?!  After all the love, the tears, the laughter, the adventures and did I mention the love?  Maybe it was knowing he was free from suffering.  Maybe it was acceptance.  Maybe I was just drained.  Either way it was over and there was nothing I could do about that.  We buried him that same morning and as I put his tiny body in the ground all I could say was: “I am sorry”.

And there it was, guilt.  Like an evil villain lurking around every corner, I just could not escape the guilt.  I know I am not God.  I know I don’t decide when it’s time to go.  But how I live, that is up to me.  I am not going to lie, after I had the kids Mumra became a second class citizen.  He got his yearly check-ups, a roof over his head, food, water and the occasional petting.  But I can’t help but think a little of his light was extinguished.  Since dogs don’t speak human maybe something got lost in translation.  Maybe there was something he needed and I failed to see.  Maybe things could have been different, but they weren’t.  And now he was gone and all I could say was “I am sorry”.

It has been six days since that god awful morning and I am still hung up on the guilt.  But it is time, it is time to let go.  As I look around me, at my children, at Camila (Mumra’s sister), at my home, at the pictures on the walls I am not sorry.  I am grateful.  I am blessed to the moon and back.

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My Mumra was pure joy.  Since the day I met him; his eyes where full of light.  He was loud, annoying, funny and sweet.  He was my first boy.  He warmed me up to the idea that boys are awesome.  And now I am the proud mother of two of those.  Mumra knew me before I was a wife, a mother, a business lady, a Captain, a grown-up.  Mumra inspired me and shared his life with me.  When he was three I started to call him Mumra The Wise, because of all the profound lessons I attributed to his serious stare.  He was a sage.  So why would I ever question his ability to get exactly what he needed?!  I loved him and that will never fade.  He changed me and I am not sorry, I am thankful.

Today, where ever you are I would like to say: “Thank you.Thank you so much, thank you to the moon and the sun and all the universe and back.”

I don’t know if one ever recovers completely from great loss.  But there is always light.  In the darkest of corners there is potential for light.   For as long as there is breath in us there is light.  And every time a light fades another shines bright.  Today I choose to see the light of Mumra blinding my guilt and transforming it to gratitude.

With humility and love I wish the light in your lives shine bright, especially in the dark :).  And for all those who have moved on to their next adventure from those of us still here let me just say, your light has never shinned brighter!

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We’re Back!

Hello to all.  It has been a while.  Towards the end of December the site was down for technical reasons.  I tried and tried to fix it but it just wouldn’t  budge.  Alas this morning without me doing anything at all it started working again.  So a friendly reminder from wordpress that sometimes you just have to let go for things to get fixed.  Lessons are everywhere…

I also just got back from a family trip to Puerto Rico.  It was a wonderful trip and I was sad to leave.  Trading those warm, sunny, beach days for the cold, snowy daily grind is no piece of cake :).  But I am happy to be back home and start being more mindful of my eating 🙂  Yes my body needs a vacation from my vacation.  It’s cold here so I will be filling my cups with warm broths, healing teas and warm lemon water.  I am determined to restore my body’s nutrient reserves and kick this winters b-hind with lots of energy and joy.

In order to stay motivated and on track I will be sharing my daily ideas to stay healthy and nurtured.  One little step at a time I always say.  So let’s focus on the good stuff we can add to our day instead of the nasty stuff we need to remove.

Today I am starting by adding one serving of home-made green juice to my diet.  The reason I am a fan of green juices (home-made) is because they are a great source of nutrients and very easy to include in our diet.  It’s a way to add more raw vegetables into our diet and if you use a masticating juicer you will also be getting the benefit of enzymes that aid in the absorption of nutrients.  They are rich in vitamins, antioxidants and chlorophyl, all very good stuff.  And they can help you boost your vegetable consumption.  Today I am making a  juice that can be very helpful to help your body detox.

Here is my recipe:

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A handful of chopped kale

One small apple ( green would be preferable )

About a cup of green cabbage

Half a lemon

Hope you can enjoy one of this super healthy potions today!  Cheers!

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This one is for you

I almost forgot, but I remembered.  It is day 10 of gratitude!

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It is late, I just put the kids to bed, put a couple dozen loads of laundry in, cleaned up the kitchen, made some popcorn and I just sat down. I am looking forward to doing absolutely nothing for the next hour. But before I drift into mindless t.v. programing I wanted to say thank you.

Thank all of you that follow my blog! Thank you for listening to me and my ignorant wisdom 🙂  Thank you for sharing a little bit of your day with me.  Thank you all for helping me create a community of support and love.

Now, don’t forget to thank yourself for doing your best to be your best, every day.

On day 10 of gratitude, I am grateful for you.  We are all connected and that is something to celebrate.  Cheers!

 

 

PJ’s all day kind of day

This is my life right now, and it is not even 2pm!

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No, this is not the mess from yesterday, this is brand new.  I can’t complain, I am still in my pj’s and I don’t have any plans of changing.  Also I am sipping on a little bit of wine as I write this, don’t judge.

Being an adult gets such a bad wrap, but honestly I rejoice in the possibilities of adulthood.  Because I am an adult I can look at the big mess I have made and decide I don’t want to clean it right now.  I can decide to skip the shower and wear my pj’s until tomorrow.  And I can do pretty much what ever I want, within reason.

I know as a child you get to experience the world without too much responsibility but as an adult you get to be in charge of your life.  I know  sometimes it might feel like you don’t have much of a choice in things, but trust me you do.  Within all our responsibilities we can choose how to fulfill them.  We can choose how to live our lives and how to spend our days. If you can not see that you might be stuck in Neverland, I’m just saying. Of course I would never advice to give up our inner child, but embracing adulthood is empowering.

So today instead of complaining about all the things I have to do as an adult I am grateful to have made it into adulthood.  I am going to give my inner child a big hug and I am going to pat the adult me in the back and say:”good job!”.

Today I am grateful for being a grown up who hasn’t forgotten what it is like to be a child.  I am thankful for all the freedom and opportunities in my life.   I am grateful for all the difficulties that have made me big and strong.

I invite you to embrace adulthood, to celebrate yourself for all you have accomplished.  I advice you to recognize your struggles and move on to something better.  And I would like to remind you that being a grown up is not a punishment, it is a privilege.

 

 

 

 

Nough said :)

Today I am thankful for this…

 

 

and this…

May they always drive me nuts.  May they always be at arms reach.  May they always be safe, healthy, happy and loved.

I love you guys to the moon and the sun and the stars and all the planets and all the galaxies and all the universe and back.

Nough said 🙂

 

 

Outnumbered

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I have a house full of men.  This means a lot of things, like round the clock not so noble gases.  There is a lot of : “where is _____ (fill with anything, you name it, they can’t find it)?  And for some reason they can’t figure out how to use a hamper.  I also get a lot of blank stares when I get poetic about my emotions.  There is so much testosterone in this house I swear I can smell it, and it doesn’t smell like roses.

I have to admit occasionally I feel outnumbered and misunderstood.  But there is a silver lining to my predicament, while it might not seem like it to innocent eyes, I am the  master of the house.  A lot of responsibility comes with the title but also a lot of perks. For all the cleaning, organizing, nourishing, strategizing and mediating I get absolute loyalty and love.  Plus my wardrobe is the only one that really matters (at least for now, Lucas is proving to be a little fashionista).

My men might drive me crazy sometimes but they value their queen above all. For all you master strategists out there you know that once you lose the queen the game is over.

So today I am thankful for being outnumbered in my home.  I am thankful for the wonderful men that make my home a home.  I am grateful for the kisses on demand.  I am thankful that even though I know my way around hanging a curtain, I don’t have to. I am blessed because they love me as much as I love them. Because I know that deep down my wish is their command, I am for ever grateful.

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So for all you ladies with a house full of men I raise my glass.  May your kingdom be happy and prosperous!

 

Music hour

Music hour

 

My husband loves taking pictures…NOT

My husband loves taking pictures…NOT

My favorite hug monsters!

My favorite hug monsters!

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Mumra, my first boy

Your heart was scratched

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I am not always the best mami.  Sometimes I loose my temper and I act like a 4 year old, in front of my 4 year old.  This morning was one of those occasions.

Like most moms/dads I wake up every morning with a series of duties that would put my liver to shame.  I have to make breakfast, let the dogs out, dress the boys, change diapers, pack lunches, mediate, be loving, deal with last minute school stuff, hopefully brush me teeth, change, drive Lucas to school, etc, etc, etc.  All this activities take place in the span of 45 minutes, yes that is right, sometimes less.

This morning I had to add to the mix the packing of some goodies as holiday thank you’s to Luca’s teachers etc.  I had five bags of David’s famous kettle corn for five people.  Now, I am not crazy, I saved some for Lucas and placed it in a container in his lunchbox.  Not so surprisingly, Lucas wanted his kettle corn in one of the gift bags.  I had no more gift bags.  I tried to explain it to him but his face turned sour and as he prepared to whine I found myself whining first!  I pretend cried and raised my voice in frustration. Not my finest moment, I know.

My ill-conceived plan backfired. He retaliated with lots of fake crying and shutting down. At this point we are running late for school and I couldn’t figure out what to do next.  We both whined and protested while Marcos watched silently and a little shocked.   This went on for about five minutes that felt like five hours.  Finally he calmed down, gave me a second to regroup and proceeded to fight with me about wearing his coat.   I found myself putting the coat in my face in order to muffle a scream.  What can I say, I am only human.

Long story short we got in the car eventually and headed for school.

As I drove in creepy silence (considering I had a 1 and 4-year-old in the car) I thought about what had happened.  I was a pressure cooker and the pressure valve was released.  I had unraveled.  There is a lot going on in my life, but it is not Luca’s fault.  I stopped the car so I could apologize.  I told him I was trying to do my best.  I told him I got frustrated because he would not listen to me. I told him things could not always be how he wanted and it was my job to take care of him.   I told him I was sorry I lost my temper and that I should do better.  He looked at me and said: “it was like your heart got scratched”.  It was exactly like that!  Like all my efforts to make everything great for everybody had gone unnoticed.  Like nobody could hear or appreciate me.  I know I was wrong to think that, but honestly that is how it felt. But I realized I had under estimated him.

We kept talking and all was good between us.  He still likes me and I know I am the best mami for him.  He is the wisest little man I know.  Seemingly non-sensical but always making the most sense.  And in his childlike madness he has the treasure of clarity.  His vision is not clouded by judgement, sarcasm, fear or resentment.  He sees things and reacts, not always in a calm manner but always in truth.

Today I am thankful for clarity.  I am grateful for the lessons Lucas is teaching me.  I am thankful for all the love and support that surrounds me.  I am thankful for this wonderful life.  And I will try to weight all else against it.  Because nothing is more important than this  moment.  I have so much to be thankful for and, with a little clarity, that is not hard to see.  Even if my heart got scratched :).

 

 

Rumble at Pre-K

Sometimes unexpectedly hilarious things happen and you just have to thank your lucky starts.  Last night was Luca’s Holiday Recital. We made it almost to the end without any incidents.  Then as the last musical performance was over, the unexpected happened…a quarrel, pre-k style.  It was short and almost sweet, as any altercation between 4 year olds should be.  And I was the crazy parent laughing and thanking my lucky stars.

Today I am thankful for unexpected laughter.  I am thankful for the tears it brings to my eyes and the stares it might provoke.  Because we should all look a little crazy sometimes and not care.

So without further ado here is a little Didi that might bring a happy tear to your eye. Enjoy and laugh, nobody is watching :).

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You might not find this as funny as I do but at least it was unexpected.

PS: Take note guys, Lucas might not be too tough yet but he know his way into a lady’s heart :).

Despierta

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“Despierta! Tu Puedes! Ahora!”  read the last pages of my dad’s book Asi Piensan las Hormiguitas.  It means: wake up, you can do it, now!  They are brief  but  powerful words.

Sometimes we feel small and powerless.  Sometimes we think the world is conspiring against us.  Sometimes we might give up.  But never forget, it is our choice.  Surrender or conquer, it is up to us.

Within each of us there is a mighty T-Rex, I have learned this from Lucas.  Our lives are a reflection of our connection to the power within.  As Ralph Waldo Emerson so wonderfully put it: “What lies behind you and what lies in front of you, pales in comparison to what lies inside of you.”  Once we realize this our perspective will change for the better and so will our lives.

Today, on day 4 of gratitude fest, I am thankful for the giant within.  I am grateful for all the times I fell and picked myself up.  I am grateful for all the despair that lead to faith.  I am thankful for all the times I was thought of as a mice only to prove myself a lion.

I invite you to let that powerful T-Rex roar.  You are only as small as you think you are.  So think BIG!

Despierta! Tu Puedes! Ahora!

 

Every breath…

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Lately I have been a little bit out of sorts.  A lot is going on in the mist of great loss.  It is taking some effort on my part to stay present and more than once I have caught myself holding my breath.

When I was fourteen I was on a swimming team.   I remember it was a conflictive activity for me.  It was both mystical and terrifying.  I was enamored with water.  The feeling of buoyancy and silence felt like I was in a magical realm that allowed me to escape  my teenage anxiety.  Then there was the competition, the exhaustion, the cramps and holding my breath.  I never knew what I was going to get.  I would either feel the peace and wonder that came with the numbness of doing 20 laps at a comfortable pace or the agitation that came with  not being able to keep up.  Sometimes it felt like I could easily drown.   It was during that time in my life I got a deep appreciation for breathing calmly.  Even though it would seem I have forgotten that lesson, many times since, I haven’t.   In the end it was my breath that determined whether it would be a wonderful or disturbing experience.  Needless to say I wasn’t built for competition.  I was built for breathing :).

Today I vow to breathe mindfully.  I will try to remember that when things seem hopeless, there is always my breath.  And as long as I have that anything is possible .

On day number 3 of my gratitude fest I am thankful for every breath.  For every breath that has kept me here, transforming, loving, feeling and learning.  If you can breathe you can live, if you can live you can change and if you can change  life can be the way you want it to be.

To every breath, may it always bring you closer to the life you want.  May every breath be filled with love and gratitude.  I wish you many more and the wisdom to make each one worth while.