When we experience great loss its hard to feel anything but the loss. Last saturday I held my 8-year-old fur baby as he took his last breath. I have never seen anything like it. Time stopped , then it went really slow and then too fast. That morning every second that lead to his passing was filled with anguish, tears and desperation. Once he was gone I experienced some reprieve and then an unexplainable void. I felt numb.
But how could that be?! After all the love, the tears, the laughter, the adventures and did I mention the love? Maybe it was knowing he was free from suffering. Maybe it was acceptance. Maybe I was just drained. Either way it was over and there was nothing I could do about that. We buried him that same morning and as I put his tiny body in the ground all I could say was: “I am sorry”.
And there it was, guilt. Like an evil villain lurking around every corner, I just could not escape the guilt. I know I am not God. I know I don’t decide when it’s time to go. But how I live, that is up to me. I am not going to lie, after I had the kids Mumra became a second class citizen. He got his yearly check-ups, a roof over his head, food, water and the occasional petting. But I can’t help but think a little of his light was extinguished. Since dogs don’t speak human maybe something got lost in translation. Maybe there was something he needed and I failed to see. Maybe things could have been different, but they weren’t. And now he was gone and all I could say was “I am sorry”.
It has been six days since that god awful morning and I am still hung up on the guilt. But it is time, it is time to let go. As I look around me, at my children, at Camila (Mumra’s sister), at my home, at the pictures on the walls I am not sorry. I am grateful. I am blessed to the moon and back.
My Mumra was pure joy. Since the day I met him; his eyes where full of light. He was loud, annoying, funny and sweet. He was my first boy. He warmed me up to the idea that boys are awesome. And now I am the proud mother of two of those. Mumra knew me before I was a wife, a mother, a business lady, a Captain, a grown-up. Mumra inspired me and shared his life with me. When he was three I started to call him Mumra The Wise, because of all the profound lessons I attributed to his serious stare. He was a sage. So why would I ever question his ability to get exactly what he needed?! I loved him and that will never fade. He changed me and I am not sorry, I am thankful.
Today, where ever you are I would like to say: “Thank you.Thank you so much, thank you to the moon and the sun and all the universe and back.”
I don’t know if one ever recovers completely from great loss. But there is always light. In the darkest of corners there is potential for light. For as long as there is breath in us there is light. And every time a light fades another shines bright. Today I choose to see the light of Mumra blinding my guilt and transforming it to gratitude.
With humility and love I wish the light in your lives shine bright, especially in the dark :). And for all those who have moved on to their next adventure from those of us still here let me just say, your light has never shinned brighter!