I am not always the best mami. Sometimes I loose my temper and I act like a 4 year old, in front of my 4 year old. This morning was one of those occasions.
Like most moms/dads I wake up every morning with a series of duties that would put my liver to shame. I have to make breakfast, let the dogs out, dress the boys, change diapers, pack lunches, mediate, be loving, deal with last minute school stuff, hopefully brush me teeth, change, drive Lucas to school, etc, etc, etc. All this activities take place in the span of 45 minutes, yes that is right, sometimes less.
This morning I had to add to the mix the packing of some goodies as holiday thank you’s to Luca’s teachers etc. I had five bags of David’s famous kettle corn for five people. Now, I am not crazy, I saved some for Lucas and placed it in a container in his lunchbox. Not so surprisingly, Lucas wanted his kettle corn in one of the gift bags. I had no more gift bags. I tried to explain it to him but his face turned sour and as he prepared to whine I found myself whining first! I pretend cried and raised my voice in frustration. Not my finest moment, I know.
My ill-conceived plan backfired. He retaliated with lots of fake crying and shutting down. At this point we are running late for school and I couldn’t figure out what to do next. We both whined and protested while Marcos watched silently and a little shocked. This went on for about five minutes that felt like five hours. Finally he calmed down, gave me a second to regroup and proceeded to fight with me about wearing his coat. I found myself putting the coat in my face in order to muffle a scream. What can I say, I am only human.
Long story short we got in the car eventually and headed for school.
As I drove in creepy silence (considering I had a 1 and 4-year-old in the car) I thought about what had happened. I was a pressure cooker and the pressure valve was released. I had unraveled. There is a lot going on in my life, but it is not Luca’s fault. I stopped the car so I could apologize. I told him I was trying to do my best. I told him I got frustrated because he would not listen to me. I told him things could not always be how he wanted and it was my job to take care of him. I told him I was sorry I lost my temper and that I should do better. He looked at me and said: “it was like your heart got scratched”. It was exactly like that! Like all my efforts to make everything great for everybody had gone unnoticed. Like nobody could hear or appreciate me. I know I was wrong to think that, but honestly that is how it felt. But I realized I had under estimated him.
We kept talking and all was good between us. He still likes me and I know I am the best mami for him. He is the wisest little man I know. Seemingly non-sensical but always making the most sense. And in his childlike madness he has the treasure of clarity. His vision is not clouded by judgement, sarcasm, fear or resentment. He sees things and reacts, not always in a calm manner but always in truth.
Today I am thankful for clarity. I am grateful for the lessons Lucas is teaching me. I am thankful for all the love and support that surrounds me. I am thankful for this wonderful life. And I will try to weight all else against it. Because nothing is more important than this moment. I have so much to be thankful for and, with a little clarity, that is not hard to see. Even if my heart got scratched :).